It’s June. How is it June? I am completely stuck back in March. Months have passed, and for me most of the time it only feels like days. But some days, like today, it feels like years.
When 2020 started, I had everything planned out. I wanted to be done writing Spring by the end of March or April. Definitely by June. Worst case by June. If all was going really well, I had visions of being done with my first edits by now. I thought I’d start writing a part of Reed and Emma’s story, then finish up completely with all of the edits for Jenks and Liv. I had a plan.
Remember a few sentences ago when I said I was stuck back in March?
March came and I was nowhere near where I needed to be. And that was before. Before getting REALLY sick for weeks and weeks. Before numerous meds that knocked me on my ass even worse at times than the illness from hell. Seriously. It was before getting sick AGAIN and going to numerous doctors AGAIN – this time for a few ultrasounds, more bloodwork, more freaking tests, more poking and prodding, before the news that I would have to see even more specialists. Because why not? It was before putting me on fancy meds that come with not only some scary warning labels on the bottle but special warnings from my doctor about what to do, what not to do, and a whole bunch of other stuff that has me questioning absolutely everything. Yay me.
It was BEFORE one of my cats – the one who lives solely on the third floor where my writing room is, the one I spend hours and hours and hours a day in (when I’m not super sick in bed and all that) – was diagnosed with cancer. My cat that I love beyond all reason – the one I spend about 80 % of my day with – was diagnosed with cancer a few days ago. As if being dumped by her previous owners at around 12-13 years of age, while being blind in one eye, already suffering from thyroid and kidney disease, declawed and arthritic wasn’t bad enough, now this. She has to go through THIS. The sweetest cat I’ve ever known – and now this.
So yeah, it was March, I was already behind, and it was before ALL of this happened.
But you know, I still had hope then. I was behind, but so what? I’d write, write, write, and make up for it. I’d get back on track. No big. I mean, I WAS writing. I did all my edits of what I previously wrote in the beginning of March, (over 100 pages) and then I sat down and I DID write, I was excited, everything was full steam ahead.
But then I got sick on March freaking twentieth.
I stopped writing.
I tried my best to get back to it, even with a foggy brain and through the pain.
But it was slow, and not at all the same.
And now Allie is sick. Allie is freaking sick with cancer.
And I just realized, that if I wasn’t before with all of MY shit, I definitely am now. I am SO fucking over 2020 and everything it’s thrown my way.
My plans? Pretty much ruined.
Because life right.
What the fuck ever.
So … March. I feel like I am still stuck there. And some days I actually wish I was. Because then I’d still have hope I’d get back to my writing and could actually be done with the whole story by June. Or even April. Wasn’t it April when I posted about how I was sick, but I started writing again, and I had hope I’d make up for it and yay I can’t wait for the weeks ahead? Yeah I am pretty sure I wrote that shit then. So March? April? I’d take either one. Because then I wouldn’t have a clue that it would actually take me damn near close to two months to write a chapter and a half. I’d have some hope that I’d actually be getting physically better and that I would stay that way, and that my body wouldn’t keep screwing me over like this.
And I’d still think my cat would be here forever. (Yes, I know her age. All her previous ailments. I KNOW. But I just wasn’t and am NOT ready. I KNOW, but I don’t want to actually know, because it just fucking hurts. It really, really hurts.)
But anyway, it’s not March. All this shit DID happen. And it’s June.
I have teasers lined up for weeks. I have a cover complete and ready to reveal. Hell, I have covers and book descriptions for Summer and Fall too. Just waiting for their turn. Their time.
But it’s supposed to be Livvie and Jenks’s time. Like now. Right now.
I should be done with their story. The only thing needing to be done is the tweaking, the polishing.
But what DO I have?
I have so many notes and scenes and chunks of chapters written for Livvie and Jenks for Spring just sitting here – notes, scenes, and chapters that still need to be written into the story/connected to the whole… and that’s the problem. I need to actually WRITE. I need to connect all these pieces I have to make the giant story come together … and it’s just not happening. Not how it needs to. Not how I want it to. And it hasn’t for months.
You know what’s coming together perfectly though? All this other ugly shit in my personal life that is wreaking all this havoc on the life where I get to live out my dreams as Tara Sosa, Author.
I envy the people who can compartmentalize and not let the personal bleed onto the professional. Because I sure as shit can’t do that. Actually, sometimes for my writing it turns out to be a good thing. Some of the best scenes I’ve written (*according to me anyway*) have come flowing out of me when I’m going through certain things … but between my sicknesses over the past few months and now Allie’s – I honestly feel like I can’t function.
For MONTHS I’ve felt like I can’t function properly, but this is some new level type of shit. But I am trying. I’m trying my damnedest over here. And I will continue to keep on trying. I hope it doesn’t take me months to write my next chapter. But if it does, it does. And I have to be okay with that. I have to try and find a way to be okay with that. And I am hoping all of you will be too.
The beginning of 2020 – hell, even in 2019 – I said that Spring would be out this year. And I still intend on trying to make good on what I said. It’s June. There’s still 6 months left. A whole half of a year. But I know what happened during the beginning half – I KNOW better than to say anything will get better. Because life. Karma. The Universe. What the fuck ever. I just know better than to say those words out into the universe because that shit will surely come right back around and take another bite out of me. In some way, shape, or form.
So, I’m keeping with I will try my hardest to get Liv and Jenks and their story into your hands by the end of this year. As of right now, where I left off, my characters are doing fun and interesting things. I know the direction they’re heading in and right now what’s in my headspace is not on par with where I need to be to write what I want to write for them. They are getting some happy in their lives right now and honestly? Right now? I’m just fucking sad, hurt, pissed, doubting, and downright scarily hateful sometimes. Not a good combo. Maybe if I was at a different part of Jenks and Liv’s story … this shit would be awesome fuel. Like SO awesome. Their story at times is dark, twisty, not at all what they want or need. But right now, where I left off? Not so much. They DEFINITELY want what’s happening to them.
But I’m hoping it gets better.
I am hoping I get better.
I really, really want Allie to get better too … but yeah.
Anyway … I hate feeling like I’m letting you guys down by pushing my timeline back. And I hope you don’t hate me for it. I hope you don’t give up on me. Because I’m not giving up over here. Not on Jenks and Liv. Not on myself.
I just need more time. Because life and all its unexpected and unwanted happened to me. I know it’s not the end of the world. Trust me. I know a lot of other people are facing far worse, going through rougher things, dire things, I know. But for me, right now, it seems like the end of the world. And I have to deal with my own shit in my own way. And telling you guys that I’m struggling over here to get Liv and Jenks to you, is the first step. Letting it be known that I need more time actually makes me feel a bit better. Because feeling like crap, and then getting punched in the gut, and the heart, thanks to the news about Allie, mixed in with the added extra anxiety over not being able to keep up with my writing and where I need to be and being scared to tell all of you because as an avid reader I KNOW what that feels like when some of the authors I read end up saying that they need more time and their books get pushed that I’ve been waiting and waiting to read like crazy – I HATED that I had to say that and do that to all of you … But I did. I had to. And it’s out there now. And I do actually feel like I can breathe a smidge easier. I hate that I had to tell you about me being sick. I hate that I had to tell you that Allie is sick. REALLY hate. But I didn’t want you to think that I’m pushing Livvie and Jenks’s book back because I’ve been – I don’t know, having a good time somehow in the midst of a pandemic, social distancing, and everything else going on in the country right now?
I don’t know. Okay?
I just didn’t want you thinking I was pushing the book because I didn’t want to write their story or that I didn’t care that even just one of you out there is actually waiting for their book and I decided other stupid things were more important.
Will I have days when I don’t write because I am out having a good time – I HOPE so! Will I have days when I don’t write because all I want to do is read someone else’s words all day to get out of my head? I HOPE so too – because I haven’t even been reading that much lately. Will I have days when I don’t write because all I want to do is hang out with Allie and soak up as much time with her as I can? YES. 100% yes. And I am NOT and won’t be sorry for that. That is one thing I won’t be sorry about.
I want you all to know that I will be trying to write every day. When you see me post teasers with hashtags that say comingsoon, know that I am trying my very best to make that whole comingsoon be this year. Know that I will be using that hashtag as motivation. Because honestly? Over the past few months, weeks, and over the last few days especially, I’ve been lacking that along with a lot of other things – things that have been replaced by other things that are dark, ugly, and sometimes debilitating.
But I said it before, and I will again … I hope things … ALL the things get better.
And I will be trying my damnedest every day to be a part of making that happen.
And this is the first step.
Letting you know that I am struggling … that I am sorry about it … but I am trying.
And always will.
2020 you’ve really sucked so far. But I still have hope that you’ll end up producing some magic!
For me & everyone else!
Until next time – happy reading, stay safe, and just take a moment to enjoy all the little things!